Conquering My Fears: A Work in Progress

"Julia Child was the opposite of the mid-western, mid-American, mid-century, middlebrow food I grew up on.  She was also the antithesis of the women I saw cooking, all of whom had serious June Lockhart aspirations.  Julia, on the other hand, turned imperfection into a hoot and a holler.  She seemed to teach cooking, but she was really celebrating the human, with all its flaws and appetites.  I was a goner the first time I heard her voice, which happened to be while I was a cook in a feminist restaurant that nerved nonviolent cuisine.  If it weren't for Julia Child, I might never have moved past brown rice and tofu.  Worse, I might still be afraid of being less than perfect.  Cooking through Mastering the Art of French Cooking, I learned how to cook without fear because I got over fearing failure.  Julia Child gave an entire generation this gift - and dinner too." - Molly O'Neill

I read this quote in the 40th Anniversary edition of Julia Child's iconic cookbook, which I received this year as a Christmas gift.  It immediately reminded me of another quote I have encountered, this one from Martha Graham...

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

Sometimes, fear of failure can really start to gnaw away at me and tempt me to give up.  I'll say to myself, "I'm too old, too fat, too shy while others around me are aggressive about going after what they want." or "I'm not built like a model and don't have Hollywood good looks, so what's the point?" or "How will I ever get my Equity card, and without it, where do I even begin to get my foot in the door?"  And I worry WAY too much about what others think.  I agonize over the fact that some of my relatives probably don't get me and that some of them may not approve of this life I have chosen (or more accurately, this life that has chosen me).  I worry and wonder if some family/in laws/friends might even resent me for leaving Ohio and taking Jeremy with me to pursue this dream.  I'm afraid of always being the "black sheep" or an outcast.

ARRGGHHHH!  It's enough to drive a person crazy!

Sometimes, I need to take a deep breath and tell the negative voice in my head to "Shut the fuck up!"  I need to drown out the self-criticism, replace it with more positive thoughts.  That's not always so easy to do, but quotes like the ones above inspire me to keep trying.

Ohio State in the Sugar Bowl Tonight!

Having been born and raised in Northeast Ohio, I can tell you firsthand how HEARTBREAKING it often is to be a Cleveland sports fan.  The Drive, The Fumble, Game 7 of the 1997 World Series and most recently...The Decision.  (I won't go any further into that.)

However, being an Ohio State football fan is much less painful.  Sure, there are bitter disappointments from time to time, but it's not hopeless.  There are bright spots.  We beat Michigan most of the time (in recent years anyway), and coach Jim Tressel simply rocks!  He's a stand-up guy, a great coach and a class act all the way.

So, tonight I hope to celebrate an Ohio State Sugar Bowl victory!  Go Bucks!!!!

That's all for now.  I'm off to secure a spot at the bar to watch the game.

Goals for 2011

It seems like "resolutions" has become such a dirty word. With each new year, lots of us make them but few of us keep them. So, instead of resolutions, I am simply setting some goals for 2011. Here they are:

- Audition, network, Tweet more regularly, get out there, talk myself up (in a non-obnoxious way)...in other words, stop being afraid to "pimp" myself.

- Perform my cabaret, SOLE MATES, in NYC.

- See more theatre.

- Expand my cooking repertoire.

- Run a 10K.

- Get my professional website up and running.

- Refine and edit my wardrobe, so that whether it's an audition, night out, church or just running errands, I'm not tearing my hair out over what to wear.

- Keep up with this blog.

That's about it for now. We'll see how it all goes in the coming year!